Purpe epoppy

As regular readers will know, my parents are locked in a bloody divorce battle.  I can’t argue the rights and wrongs of the case but my father’s 22 (yup, TWENTY TWO) & counting ex-marital affairs – including my mother’s  sister-in-law, her best friend of thirty-five years and many of our so-called family friends, his point blank refusal to make full disclosure of his fiscal assets,  his denial in court that he was in a relationship with one of  the uglier & more raddled of his current mistresses, his failure to make any future fiscal provision for my disabled sister whilst spending tens of thousands of pounds on taking his mistresses on countless foreign holidays, his refusal to pay my mother any maintenance  this year claiming he had no money (whilst continuing to drive his many high performance sports cars – massively undervalued in the court papers, of course), and his outright repudiation in court of my sister’s disability in order to deny part of my mother’s claims for support aren’t exactly endearing him to me right now.

As it happens, bar Christmas Day, I haven’t spoken to him since November. I saw him once,  for precisely a minute, a fortnight ago en route to the airport when I dropped his car off, and it breaks my heart. It’s not because of the divorce, but because I wrote him a long, heartfelt letter, asking him to understand why I was so distraught about various things I can’t write here,  to please take what I do for a living seriously and to lay out my business plans for 2010. (This was after he told me that my work portfolio website was all very well, but ‘darling aren’t you showing off?’)

He never bothered to reply.

I did get a birthday card & cheque by mail a few days later in December with a picture of a fish on the front. On the inside he had scrawled, “To a small fish in a big (internet) pond.”

Charming.

He told me last year he didn’t read my blog, so he’ll probably not see this – not least because he has buggered off to Tanzania on a charity trip for three weeks, right in the middle of the divorce settlement negotiations.

Sometimes people really do forget that charity begins at home.

Photo: Purple poppy by LLG

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41 comments

Reply

Really sorry, dear LLG. Sending you a hug and hope that you are surrounded at this time by close and dear friends in NY who love you and care for you. Youre obviously a wonderful sis and daughter to your mummy. xxx shayma

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So sorry….it’s so upsetting that this blows families apart. Unbelievable. I cannot comprehend how many ‘men’ seem to behave this way and yet continue to get away with it.
One day I’m sure he will be a lonely man, he won’t have any friends or family left and it will hurt. No comfort for you all now though.
As for his attitude towards your career- it says a lot. Sorry I’m probably being too outspoken here. I think about your mother a lot, yet you and your sister are suffering too. Try and stay strong. Take care. xx

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I really respect that while you allude to the family trauma, you don’t wallow it but I completely get your occasional need to vent. I tend to try to keep my anonymity on the net because a) I want to separate my personal life from my work one which involves the internet as well and b) I don’t want my ex reading about my life and c) I like my life in compartments. But as a child of a father who was a hopeless philanderer and now the ex-wife of someone who consistently fails to live up to his parenting responsibilities while having the time and money to drive off to cosy weekends in the country in his latest toy car, I do empathise with your frustration. I find it bizarre that I am the one slipping my 22 year step-son the odd $100 to get by as his father doesn’t see that parenting doesn’t end when they leave school.

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Ok. So this whole situation for you, your mother, your sister is appalling. Your father has a moral and legal obligation to provide for his family and given his behaviour there surely must be greater emphasis on the moral. The man must take responsibility. He must: look after the woman that has stood by him for years, ensure the future of his children (I don’t care if you are grown and earning for yourself), especially one who has special needs, is secure. This is what being a responsible, mature, ethical grown up who behaves with integrity involves. Surely sense will prevail, and the legal system (if he doesn’t step up) will ensure you all achieve a good result. Hang in there, stay strong.

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Sasha, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel for you and your mom and sister, and hope you can reach some kind of peace agreement with your dad, eventually.
xoxo
Janet

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So sorry to hear of the utter unkindness. Heartbreaking for you. Sending you extra special Scottish love (and sympathy woofs from the canines, obviously). Hope you and yr mum and dear sister can keep buggering on. xxx

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I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through all this hurt. It simply doesn’t matter what your age is, your parents are supposed to be the sensible ones who nurture and support you. It’s a bonus to become friends with your children I think. Your mother is fortunate to have you but it sounds, sadly, as if your father is not willing to grow up. Take care of yourself and be proud of your work.

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Wish I could think of a devastatingly witty comment, but all that comes to mind is “What a dreadful man.”

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Dear LLG: Sorry to hear of your mother’s divorce woes. Although I’m sure she has competent counsel, if she needs assistance in that regard I have many top-notch contacts in that particular legal speciality in the U.K (it being MY legal speciality here in NY, and yes, it’s as ghastly as it sounds), and would be happy to refer her to someone. In any event, I was going to email you privately but couldn’t find a link to an address. Drop me a line if you’d like me to pass on some names to you.

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Oh my love – our fathers are cut from the same cloth sadly. I got a birthday/Xmas cheque this year for the 1st time in 7 years and when I wrote a letter requesting that I just see my father alone and not with the hideous step-monster he didn’t reply for 6 months and then I received the following “darling – I’m too old to change”. Its awfully painful for you right now but you are doing the right thing – being honest! xxx

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