If you are a single man then my advice to you would be to beg, borrow or steal a baby Basset Hound. My boys could hardly walk more than a metre down the Long Branch beach boardwalk without some nubile young thing hurling herself at the puppy cuteness.

It’s a shame then that all that action was just as much wasted on the boys as it is on me: they are married to each other and, if I were to contemplate some Sapphic action, it would not be with a girl in a pastel tracksuit & Uggs.

As far as luring the men of Long Branch, it seems clear that puppies are also necessary. Although I’m talking about the two puppies wriggling in a sack variety as opposed to the ones on a leash: if the Guido type appeals just wear a low cut top.

After a couple of hours spent fending off the puppy fondlers, we went home to Colt’s Neck, where I reflected yet again that it’s a good thing I’m here in New Jersey to work not prowl.